maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
