Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

Ron is short for Aaronald

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”

self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.

It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”