Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!

My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

The French cow says MEUX…

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what