Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
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today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
No way!
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.