Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
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They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
OH. COME. ON.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
*limbos away from your hug*
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.