Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
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they should invent a hydrating liquor
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer