maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
long lost
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.