maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life