maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
You Might Also Like
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
so, is there a mister shapen head
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.