Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

me: I think my hippo might be dying

vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse

me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

taking June’s advice to heart

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married you

Me: Apology accepted

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.