Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
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Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
-No, there isn’t a town called ”Garbage” anywhere in England, stop looking at that map. I hate to break this to you, but when our neighbors called you ”King of garbage” that wasn’t a compliment
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.