Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!

*blam!*

And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.

Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Find you a girl that can lay eggs.

*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*

Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.