maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
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Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.