Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
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Safety first
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store