Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it’s connected to the wifi and doesn’t want to stop scrolling TikTok.
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Help
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.