Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

I got bills

They’re multiplying

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

i will avenge u mr van gogh

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)