Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
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Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.