Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

ㅤ

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

“Does this look infected?”

*points to the entire world*

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

being a writer on Twitter:

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.