Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car