Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

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If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”


Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.


“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead


Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”



The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.


Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.


Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.


[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]