@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

You Might Also Like

@meghaffer

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

@Staggfilms

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

@NewDadNotes

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

@SketchesbyBoze

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

@ibid78

“You know why I pulled you over?”
“Does anyone know why anyone’s pulled over?”
“Wow. You’re free to go.”
“Is anyone free?”
“Oh you’re good.”

@HatfieldAnne

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

@RickAaron

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.