Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
shit just got real
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”