I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Had an epiphany today.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
“You know why I pulled you over?”
“Does anyone know why anyone’s pulled over?”
“Wow. You’re free to go.”
“Is anyone free?”
“Oh you’re good.”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.