@MelvinofYork

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

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@aaronnemo

If I was ever on Jeopardy I would call Trebek the wrong name like I’d never heard of him. “I’ll take Beauty Pageants for 400, Jason.”

@longwall26

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

@brennadine

“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead

@wife_housy

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

@BoomBoomBetty

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

@jazmasta

Buddy, If you get in a fight with me there’ll only be 2 “hits”; You hitting me and my screams of pain hitting 100 decibels.

@3sunzzz

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

@EyeSeeYou619

[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]