Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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it was a valiant fight
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.