Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby

ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

cause of death:
autopsy.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”