Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.