Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions
And send
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug