not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”