Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Spider-cat: No One Home
Note to self: always read the final line
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Oops I deleted….
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering.
Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.
Me: How much funding do you need.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t