Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
nice challenge
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ