Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
How do I get a job writing these texts
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
This kid is going places
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.