Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Mission: Impossible
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?