Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
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Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: