Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

I support this random dude and all his protests

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.