Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I can also cook 😂
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?