Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

No, I haven’t seen any dogs

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady