Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
The USS B port
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my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.