Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.