Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

born to say “are you fcking stup¡d” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).

i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me: