Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

What a kind woman! 😂😂

*looks at you in batman voice*

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.

You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.

A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”

My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.