MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
okay run it by me one more time
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.