MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.