@climaxximus
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
@kDuncanG
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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@climaxximus
@Moldy_Jellybean
Just when I manage to convince myself that I am a superior and more intelligent being, I walk into a door.
@RainbowJohnJ
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
@WhaJoTalkinBout
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
@jonnysun
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
@mattZillaaaa
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
@dmc1138
Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”
All of us: “That’s actually worse.”
@BobTheSuit
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
@StranDadAbroad
Today I met a guy named Einstein and everything I said to him sounded like a sarcastic insult…
“Did you drive here, Einstein?”
“Another coffee, Einstein?”
“Watch your step, Einstein.”
@Book_Krazy
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do