MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Never let them know your next move 😂
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.