Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.