Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
You Might Also Like
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?