Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Cold.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.

The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

😬

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers

look scared

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Warm pools make me nervous.

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed