Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
You Might Also Like
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Actually cracking up @ this
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”