Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
You Might Also Like
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.