Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

#MeanwhileInCanada

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills