Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Dishonest mechanic?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.