Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

guy: [drinking a coke]

me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

☠️

United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to