OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
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Social media explained.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.
when i found out i won the World’s Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title
If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀