Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Oceanography is all about current events
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW