Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
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Me: I love you.
Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.
“Does this leaf make me look fat?” – Eve.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse