@TheAlexP

Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

You Might Also Like

@ShutUpThatsWho

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

@GrantTanaka

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

@simoncholland

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

@DanMentos

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

@mynameisntdave

I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.

@MazMHussain

Said it before but someone needs to start a rumor that Muslims don’t eat donuts so that people will start sending those to the mosque.

@hippieswordfish

when i found out i won the World’s Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title

@ericarhodes

If I was a fashion designer Id call myself “who” so when celebs are asked who are they wearing they can say “Who?” “Yes who?” “Yes.”

@CarrieRosePR

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀