Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,

Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.

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Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life


Me: I love you.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …
Me: tah. I love Utah. So many national parks.


[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?


Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.


Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.


Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.


me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them


that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse