Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Lmfao
Meow?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do