Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
This one never gets the credit it deserves
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
You don’t even know
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where