Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
welp
Single and childfree like Jesus
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
😆this is so true
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is