Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
I basically called this earlier today
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”