I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
summer goals vs reality
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I learned 2 things at least when I was married
1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen
Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: “I injured myself at the gym”
Buddy: “Too much weight?”
Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”
It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!
My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I’m staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.