@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

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@JojoCaravan

An ambitious bodyguard can specialize and become a shin or mouth guard

@JediGigi

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

@ClichedOut

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

@david8hughes

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

@drubicabra

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

@omgthatspunny

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

@1evilidiot

I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.

@chinchillasaur

[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great

@ObscureGent

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

@ronnui_

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”