@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

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@TEXASVETERAN

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

@GrantTanaka

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

@SukaBlunt

I learned 2 things at least when I was married

1. Always passcode lock your phone
2. Don’t use a nude pic of your gf as the lock screen

@kellyoxford

Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.

@thepunningman

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: “I injured myself at the gym”

Buddy: “Too much weight?”

Me: “I guess. I was just trying to lift my Segway onto the treadmill”

@laurenduca

It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!

@Mr_Kapowski

My daughter lost her 1st tooth today so I’m staying up all night to see The Rock in a tutu.