Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
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Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.