Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

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Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”


Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?


Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on


Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.


My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.


I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.


[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that’s really great


If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.


ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”