“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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Plant care tips
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Bear knowledge
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
me when the borders lift
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Mistakes were made
