“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
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I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly