Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.