Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo