Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
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Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
You’ll be OK
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.