Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
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Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
There is no “we” in pizza
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter