Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines