Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Um … Hot Wings please
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
this has done me in for some reason
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good