Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
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Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Me: Head shoulders knees & toes
Doctor: ok no problem
Me: eyes ears mouth & nose
Doctor: that’s a different guy
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them