Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah