Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
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A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what