Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
awkward
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Buck naked
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
