Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
The Backseat Boys
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.