Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
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I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
A little too much information.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9