Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”