Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.