Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
catch me on valentine’s day like
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
My Guy
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Meme Monday.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
If only.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…