Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
same but as an audience member
my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
